We Ripped on the Mitsubishi Mirage and One Dealership Published This Awesome Response

We Ripped on the Mitsubishi Mirage and One Dealership Published This Awesome Response

If you want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse, avoid the Mitsubishi Mirage. That, at least, is the opinion of AutoGuide writer Craig Cole, but one Mitsubishi dealership decided to fight fire with fire.

Sure, they wrote us a letter, but the team of Alice D’artagnan and Morgan Evans of Quality Mitsubishi in Littleton, CO also published it on their own blog. Entitled “5 Reasons Why We Will Survive the Zombie Apocalypse (and the Folks at AutoGuide Won’t),” it’s a clever bit of marketing that not only serves as a rebuttal to our original article, but also highlights many of the Mirage’s best features. (We’re surprised they came up with five).

And to prove they’re not bitter, they even offered an olive branch, claiming they might (might) stop and pick us up to avoid having our eyeballs eaten out of our faces by the moaning, groaning undead.

Read their defense of the Mitsubishi Mirage below:

5 Reasons Why We Will Survive the Zombie Apocalypse (and the Folks at AutoGuide Won’t)

by Alice D’artagnan and Morgan Evans

Okay, AutoGuide.  We saw the title of your article ‘Top 10 Worst Vehicles to Drive in a Zombie Apocalypse’.  We got excited to read it.  We wanted to share it on our facebook page for some fun Friday content.  We clicked to the first car and saw…

Our beloved Mitsubishi Mirage.

Well, guess what, AutoGuide?  We read your reasons.  We heard your point of view.  And now we’re going to tell you why it’s wrong.

1) You criticized the Mirage’s horsepower.  We admit that 74 horsepower and 74 pounds of front end torque doesn’t sound like a lot, but let us put it into perspective for you.  The curb weight of an automatic Mirage is 2,053 lbs.  If you load that up with you and 4 of your friends (more if you get a little creative), a few boxes of supplies, and a bunch of crossbows to kill errant zombies, you might be able to max out the gross vehicle weight rate of 3,020 lbs.  That’s super light.  We will have plenty of power to outrun zombies simply because we won’t need very much.  A manual Mirage is even lighter and is noticeably more zippy and first.  But don’t knock the CVT just yet because…

2) The automatic CVT (Continuously Variable Transmission), unlike traditional transmissions, has an infinite series of gears.  The Mitsubishi CVT uses a microchip called the INVECS-III that monitors the driving style of the driver and caters the shift points of the CVT to his/her driving style.  An aggressive driver–for instance, someone fleeing from an immediate zombie threat–will find that the CVT uses more of the low-end band of the CVT for more front end torque…or more ‘oomph’.  However, someone simply trying to make it back to what’s left of civilization after the zombies have been annihilated will use more of the high-end band and get even better gas mileage.

3) Speaking of gas mileage, the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage is the greenest fully gas-powered vehicle in the United States.  That means it gets better gas mileage than any other non-hybrid car out there.  Do you really think there are going to be loads of gas stations open and ready to pump gas for your gas-guzzling hot rod, AutoGuide?  No.  However, on just 9.2 gallons of fuel, the Mirage can go 405 miles on average.  Recently, during the Mitsubishi Motors’ Extreme MPG Hypermiling Challenge, a driver from About.com was able to get 74.1 MPG on his trip from Las Vegas to Cypress, CA with only one modification–duct tape over some of the gaps in the front fascia sheet metal as a way to reduce aerodynamic drag.  That’s nearly 700 miles on just one tank.  So, while everyone else is stranded on a lonely highway in the desert with the undead closing in, we will be well on our way to the coast.

4) And, given that the Mirage is so inexpensive (starting at just $12,995), we’ll still have money left over for a sweet yacht when we get there.  Plus, the Mirage is so light, we might as well drive it aboard so that we can drive it back home once this hullabaloo is done and we’ve survived.

5) We will survive, AutoGuide, because in addition to everything we just listed, the Mirage may be small, but it has plenty of ground clearance to get through debris with the nimbleness and stature to successfully navigate zombie hordes without a collision.  And if we do hit a snag, the Mirage’s 7 airbag safety system, including one for the driver’s knees, will make sure we survive a zombie-fueled turnover uninjured.

So, knock us all you want, AutoGuide, but just like we did with the people who said Mitsubishi wouldn’t survive in the American market for another year, we will prove you wrong.  Heck, we might even stop to give you a ride.

  • GGBB

    Do you?

  • sss

    CVTs are GAY

  • Disqus11111

    It’s still a complete piece of garbage.

  • Stacey Hubbard

    CVTs are a great way to be more efficient and Subaru and Nissan have also put a lot of stock in this type of technology

  • allenegg

    I enjoy a good sense of humor.

  • craigcole

    This is great! I salute the folks at Quality Mitsubishi for interacting with us. Well done!

  • Rickers

    LOL…. but what the hell?

  • Honest Abe

    This post needs more zombie pics.

  • Teckler

    The Mirage IS the best vehicle for the Zombie Apocalypse because the owner clearly has no brains.

  • John Macklis

    What, no “touché”? 🙂

  • roundthings

    The Mirage is garbage. I don’t know how Mitsubishi is still in business here

  • Dave Brown

    Their reprisal was hilarious. I enjoyed it much more than your article. The Mirage is a city car. It has good space, mpg, price, quality, can fit small parking places, offers an AUTOMATIC, is environmentally green and a sedan version is coming soon. If you live in the boonies where gas is cheaper and you can park directly in front of the Dew Drop Inn, the Mirage is probably not the car for you. A tire squealing Mustang or gas sucking F-150 should work well there. Owners of the Mirage rate it pretty high. But they must live in a large metropolitan area where most of the zombies will be!

  • Brian A

    Nice response from the dealership; but Mitsubishi’s a piece of junk!

  • john conner

    we drove a 2015 mirage…and when they wanted 15 k for it my wife and i bolted like we were attacked by zombies! my old 1991 geo metro out performed the mirage by miles. the dealership we went to had a gimick to get us there, but no problem we knew that. the sad fact is that mirage handled like a singer sowing machine on wheels. the steering box was quirky and the car seemed to do what it wanted to LOL. after waiting almost half an hour the sales guy comes walking back to us and while he was away my wife and i decided the car just wasn’t right. When we went to ask for our keys back to our old car and head out the door the salesman the credit guy and the owner literary followed us out the door like zombies! it was hilarious as my wife had already made it back to our car, they all 3 surrounded me! YIKES! i had to break thru both the manager and salesman just to get away from them! And run for my car! YES RUN FOR MY CAR. As i put the key in the ignition my wife said look in your rear view mirror, and sure enough all 3 of them were walking toward our car…LOL My wife said hit the gas, and i did and we never looked back again.~