Five-Point Inspection: Ford MyKey

Hey kids, want to put the brakes on a first date? Ruin a road trip? Impress your friends by not speeding? Then most of the new Ford lineup is for you.

That’s because the majority of Ford’s models come with MyKey, a system that lets parents program aspects of their car to restrict certain functions when a pre-designated key is used to start the car.

Recently I inadvertently had the chance to experience MyKey when a 2013 Ford Fusion Hybrid I was testing accidentally came with the parental control device. With a long, 900-mile road trip planned, was this a simple mistake, or was I the victim of a cruel sense of humor?

When Darius Rucker’s cover of Wagon Wheel came on the radio, I went about my usual business. Translation: twisting the volume to max and offering my uncouth tribute to Old Crow Medicine Show. Plug your ears.

Or not. My off-key, awful singing voice met with MyKey, which limits volume to lower than half capacity. Passengers rejoiced.

Obnoxious as it was for me to find my music tastes in the grip of a digital nanny, it’s easy to see how the same feature could help an immature driver avoid distraction.

But then again, loud music is only one of countless possible preoccupations behind the wheel. Take sex-themed radio stations as another example.

Some kids have iPhones almost a decade before their driver’s licenses — if they get those at all. A little Bluetooth magic is all it takes to pipe in enough cussing to make a grade-schooler cackle, but that doesn’t stop MyKey from trying to intervene.

You’ll still be able to stream smutty songs, but satellite radio ranging from raging rap music to Howard Stern and even a gay-themed channel are off limits.

Heavy metal was also blocked, although Octane — a station no stranger to obscenity — was open for listening. That’s because the filtered radio setting blanket blocks stations Sirius Radio labels “explicit.”

Some of these features should probably be standard on any car and “Belt-Minder” is one of them.

As a faithful seatbelt user, I might have never encountered this feature. But I’m curious like a cat.

The feature is simple and effective, like pepper spray. The difference here is that this is aimed at keeping reckless drivers away from pain.

Music is muted if either of the vehicle’s front-seat occupants skips their seatbelt, and won’t return until both are secure.

Australian police recently warned people not to blindly follow the Apple iPhone’s maps application. Why the plea? Several drivers followed directions from the program and needed to be rescued after straying too far from a filling station.

Make no mistake, this isn’t an indictment of Ford’s navigation system. But that anecdote underscores how important refueling on time can be.

While the system isn’t smart enough to anticipate drivers too stupid to stop themselves from driving irrevocably into the desert, it will warn your teen sooner than normal about a low gas tank.

In fact, it isn’t. MyKey, ironic as its name quickly starts to seem, grips several other areas as well. Those include rendering traction control and blind spot monitoring undefeatable, and the most obnoxious and effective constraint of all: top speed.

Top speed can be limited to 65, 70, 75, or 80 mph. It isn’t enough to keep novice drivers off highways, but a notification on the car’s TFT display announces when the car reaches that speed.

Limited at 80 mph in my tester, fiddling around I did discover something new about the Fusion Hybrid. While the car has been heavily criticized for not living up to its fuel economy claims, at 60 mph it actually comes remarkably close to getting 47 mpg.

Unfortunately, while MyKey will let parents enforce responsible driving, it won’t let them enforce environmentally responsible driving, with anything above 65 mph delivering sub-standard fuel economy.