Top 10 Worst Vehicles to Drive in a Zombie Apocalypse

Ok, so the worst just happened, like something totally NOT GOOD. Perhaps a natural disaster has devastated your country; maybe a virulent disease or food-borne illness is spreading throughout the population; conceivably even the hand of God has reached down from on high and caused an outright nuclear meltdown. Whatever the reason, things are seriously jacked.

But what if the situation went from vertiginously appalling to even worse? Suppose an undead horde started rising from crypts, digging themselves out of the very ground they’ve been interred in. Suddenly you’re smack dab in the middle of a full-blown zombie apocalypse and it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Naturally your chief concern, your top priority, your number one desire is getting out of this calamity alive, though your partially decomposed foes have other ideas. They’ve got just one thing on their minds, or whatever’s left of their cognitive capability: scrumptious human flesh. They’ll do anything to get a taste of you… literally.

Rapid transit is in order and an automobile is probably the perfect option; it beats the heck out of taking the streetcar or toughing it out on foot. But what to drive? There are so many choices on an abandoned city street. Here’s a list of 10 vehicles you must avoid if you have any chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse.

Just like this car’s name your chances of surviving a zombie attack are a mirage if you happen drive/borrow/steal one. With just three cylinders this Mitsubishi is so slow it probably can’t outrun something that’s dead so you soon will be as well.

Clocking in at but 1.2-liters, the Mirage’s three-banger puts out just 74 hp and an identical measure of torque. You can choose between a five-speed manual and a continuously variable transmission, but either way you’re a goner if the undead rise. At least it’s cheap…

Forget about Maserati or Lamborghini, the spunky little Fiat 500 is an Italian car you can actually afford. In Abarth trim this B-Segment two-door is even pretty entertaining to drive; the cabriolet model ups the fun factor by letting Mother Nature inside.

Despite these advantages this car is a pretty poor choice for escaping a hoard of animated corpses. First, its drop top is little more than a window shade. The retractable fabric roof provides next to no protection from throngs of hungry zombies; they will punch, claw or tear their way through, guaranteed. And then there’s the Abarth’s exhaust note, which is louder than an elephant gun going off inside an empty dumpster. It’s sure to attract lots of attention and that’s a very bad thing.

Why is a Porsche on this list? They’re prestigious automobiles and almost always great fun to drive. Surely a Boxster would is able to out-run toddling cadavers! You might think so but you’d be as wrong as people that think stories from The Onion are real.

It turns out Zuffenhausen’s entry-level model is an easy target; its rear-mounted engine is vulnerable to tampering with by grappling limbs, plus it’s not all that fast. The car’s 2.7-liter horizontally opposed six-cylinder is kind of weak by sports car standards, delivering just 265 hp. Adding insult to injury this Porsche has zero storage space. Where are you going to put your double-barrel shotgun, chainsaw or zombie-beating hickory axe handle?

Believe it or not, the Jaguar F-Type V8 S is a lot like the Fiat 500 Abarth Cabrio in at least one way. Now sure, they’re about as different as hamburger and lobster. This is a purebred luxury car; the Fiat is not. The F-Type is a rocket ship; the Cinquecento isn’t. Jaguar’s drop-top is rear-wheel drive; its Italian counterpart is bass-akwards.

But the one area where these two vehicles are the same has to with their ability to resist attack. Both cars are soft-tops, which means they’re vulnerable to zombie assault; an undead monster could easily penetrate their fabric roofs. Additionally the Jag is powered by 495 hp supercharged V8 engine that’s louder than a tornado, drawing (in this case) unwanted attention to the driver, just like the Abarth.

You can think of the Scion iQ as a Japanese smart car, but less awful. Oh, it’s still plenty bad, but it’s not an orgy of terribleness like the fortwo.

As expected, the iQ is small and underpowered; its 1.3-liter four-cylinder engine puts out just 94 hp and 89 lb-ft of torque. Its ability to outrun undead hoards is suspect. Additionally, the car’s got a naming problem; the mere mention of it is sure to whip any self-respecting zombie into a froth. Remember, brain is an undead delicacy and it’s likely they’ll do anything to get a taste of the iQ. Get it? Good.

Why is the brash and brazen Chrysler 300 on this list? It’s a legitimately a cool car with an available V8 engine and an advanced eight-speed automatic transmission. Well, as it turns out this all-American large sedan has its own set of disadvantages.

Rubble-strewn streets, flaming dumpsters and shattered glass are all difficult obstacles for any vehicle during a full-blown zombie apocalypse. But when you factor slimy, partially decomposed flesh into the equation a rear-wheel-drive Chrysler dressed in all-season tires isn’t going anywhere. You may as well try driving the car on ice… covered in canola oil. Remember kids, all-season rubber + any kind of weather condition = bad.

There’s the Nissan Rogue and then there’s the “Nissan Rogue.” This Japanese firm introduced a brand-new version of their compact crossover for the 2014 model year. It’s a nice update to a popular product; it’s stylish, comfortable and easy on fuel. But in a curious move they decided to keep the old version around.

The so-called Rogue Select is all about value, which industry-speak for “outdated leftovers;” zombies absolutely hate that. They can smell cheapness from a dozen miles away and you’ll reek of thrift driving this poseur-mobile, something that’s practically guaranteed to attract the undead like vagrants to government cheese.

With a carbon-fiber monocoque chassis, performance-tuned seven-speed dual-clutch transmission and 6.5-liter V12 engine, the Lamborghini Aventador was built to run like a cheetah strapped to a cruise missile. With 700 hp on tap this superb-car can accelerate from zero to 62 mph in a scant 2.9 seconds. Obviously that’s plenty fast to outrun even the fleetest of zombies.

But like the Chrysler before this Lambo has an Achilles’ heel. The 300 was traction limited but the Aventador has severe ground-clearance restrictions. With an angular, shark-like nose this car probably can’t drive over a quarter lying on the pavement without scraping some part of its front splitter or undercarriage. Such a limitation is disastrous during any sort of zombie-themed catastrophe.

Of course a sport utility vehicle or at least some sort of all-wheel-drive crossover would be a much better option than an Italian exotic. And you know something; the Ford Escape just might fit the bill.

With a body that’s neither too big nor too small this family hauler seems like a shoe in for fleeing zombie D-Day. However, that’s simply not the case. As it turns out the Escape is too problem prone; it’s been the subject of several recalls and cannot be trusted in such a demanding situation. You’d probably get ripped out of the driver’s seat as MyFord Touch was rebooting. Is that a chance you really want to take?

Ah yes, the Nissan Leaf. This is a car that’s got a lot to prove. Along with a handful of other electric automobiles it’s trying to change the world of motoring forever; it’s working to show that electrons trump hydrocarbons. Regrettably it’s not doing a very good job of it.

Along with models like the smart ED, BMW i3 and Honda Fit EV the Leaf is hamstrung by limited range and a massive curb weight. For escaping a zombie apocalypse it’s about as useful as trying to use a rototiller as a getaway car; it’s just not going to happen.

There are a million different scenarios where it could fail you. “Oops, I forgot to plug it in last night.” Dead. “A safe haven is more than 84 miles away.” Dead again. “The zombies are armed with Super Soakers full of cat pee.” Gross… oh, and potential lithium-ion electrocution. Also, if you live in a northern climate this undead apocalypse better not go down in the middle of winter or your range will be even less and your chances of survival less than zero.

And there you go. Should a horde of hungry zombies descend on your town and you want to get out alive avoid the abovementioned vehicles at all cost.