2013 Mercedes ML550 4MATIC Review

Likewise these subjects have little business being in a vehicle review, but contrary to common sense and better judgment here we go. If you’re Catholic and want to get in touch with your faith consider driving a Mercedes-Benz M-Class.

What does the Vatican have to do with one of Daimler’s high-priced luxury SUVs? Actually very little, but in case you didn’t know, the armor-plated Popemobile is based on the company’s midsize utility vehicle. If it’s good enough for the Holy Father it ought to be good enough for you.

The M-Class is a capable SUV that fits into the company’s lineup between the small GLK and the three-row GL. It seats five passengers and is offered in a wide array of different trim levels.

If engine output numbers were like flowing water, the base model would be a garden hose. It’s powered by a 3.5-liter gasoline V6 engine that signs, seals and delivers 302 horsepower. The BlueTEC clean diesel serves up a monster 455 lb-ft of torque, which is roughly equivalent to Disney World’s Blizzard Beach water park, though it has a lot less urea. And topping the range is a fire-breathing AMG model with 518 ponies on tap; it’s like Niagara Falls but even more impressive.

Between the BlueTEC and AMG versions sits the ML550. It’s powered by a smooth and explosively powerful 4.6-liter twin-turbo V8. It packs a 402-horsepower punch with 443 lb-ft of torque. It’s the hydrological equivalent of the Mississippi River; unstoppable and seemingly endless, plus the test model provided was just as brown as that silt-laden waterway!

One thing shared with all M-Class vehicles is the transmission. Shifting gears is a smooth and responsive seven-speed automatic.

Base price for an entry-level ML350 is right around 48 grand. If you want to drive away with the version we tested plan on spending about $81,000, including destination and delivery fees.

Our ML550’s $59,000 base price was inflated by a number of pricey options including air suspension ($1,610), an on-and off-road package ($1,640), Mercedes’ “Active Curve System,” a special adjustable suspension setup that helps control body roll during corners ($2,910), and the P01 Package ($3,700), which includes all kinds of luxury additions from power-folding side-view mirrors to voice control; plus there was a big-ticket item inside the vehicle.

The ML550’s cockpit is more ornate than the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. You could argue that rather than Adam, the hand of God reached down and created this interior; Michelangelo just painted it wrong.

Nearly every surface is coated in rich, chocolaty-brown leather. It’s supple, precisely crafted and supremely elegant. Further embellishing things, where appropriate it’s perforated, contrast-stitched and diamond quilted. It amazing there aren’t bite marks throughout the cabin. Like a freshly unwrapped Hershey bar it looks delicious!

Dripping with buttery-soft cow hides the front perches are more akin to thrones than mere automotive seats. The same design motif and luxury leather is carried back one row to the rear chairs, though some lavishness is lost en route. The seats aren’t quite as comfortable and they’re a bit difficult to access thanks to the door openings, which are narrower than the legs of a hipster’s skinny jeans. As a result it requires a certain amount contortion to sit back there. The M-Class loses a few points because of this.

The cockpit’s awe-inspiring opulence comes largely thanks to a pricey option, the “Designo” package, which inflates the bottom line by a whopping $4,600. If “Auburn Brown” ain’t your thing this add-on is also available in black and “Porcelain” white, two colors that should be just and luxurious, though the lightest hue of the trio sounds like a nightmare to keep that way. Better store a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser in the glove box to scrub away any grime that accumulates.

With 402 horsepower the ML’s acceleration is damn-near warp drive. Sure, the AMG model outmuscles it with more than 100 additional ponies but who cares? This is plenty fast in a straight line, plus the engine feels creamier than non-dairy whipped topping and it barks with an unexpectedly loud exhaust system for a luxury vehicle. What more could you want?

Well, decent fuel economy might be nice.

Officially rated at 14 miles per gallon city and 20 highway the ML550’s efficiency is frightful. It’s supposed to average 16 MPG, though we barely managed 14. Be warned, even mild use of the accelerator is practically 8th on the list of Seven Deadly Sins, resulting in a dramatic beating at the gas pump. No one ever said fun was free.

As for the ML’s other on-road dynamics there’s considerably less to get excited about. The vehicle handles well enough but it doesn’t really seem to involve the driver that much. Even in sport mode it feels distant and somewhat reserved.

One annoying aspect about how this vehicle carries itself is the throttle. Sure, like a grizzled wizard it summons the engine’s fury but it’s simply too binary in its operation; it’s either on or off. The tip-in is all wrong, which makes it somewhat difficult to drive smoothly at low speeds, multiplying the annoyance factor. Gently roll on the accelerator and nothing happens, then, a second or so later there’s a giant surge of acceleration, like, way more than you intended.

This behavior makes you look like a jackass, especially if you storm past the local Dairy Queen overflowing with children and their scornful parents that are more than willing to report a reckless driver. (That never happened, we swear).

Perhaps the ML550’s on-road deficiencies are because this SUV is designed to tackle the trail. Like a leather-lined Jeep Wrangler our tester was built for getting dirty, plus its sparkly “Dakota Brown Metallic” paint (an additional $720) probably does a pretty good job hiding mud spatters. It was equipped with a fully adjustable air suspension, a hill descent system that helps prevent the vehicle from speeding out of control as it goes down an incline, driver selectable modes for different conditions like snow, severe off roading and even a setting for towing, plus there’s a dedicated low-range for when things get serious.

If you want a luxurious utility and can afford the pricey “Designo” package an ML-550 is definitely worth considering. This upscale option transforms an otherwise nice vehicle into something rivaling the Palace of Versailles.

But if you’re interested in an entertaining on-road experience you may want to check out a competing German utility vehicle: the Porsche Cayenne. It delivers a much more engaging experience.

Sure, the Pope may approve of Mercedes’ M-Class but don’t forget, he’s not the one in the driver’s seat.