News Roundup: Top 5 Most Important Car Stories You Missed This Week

FCA announced today that it was breaking with tradition by offering a self-parking system for the rugged Jeep Wrangler – with a twist.

“Although our clientele is mostly interested in cultivating a rugged, outdoorsy image, there’s a strong crossover with those who really just want to stuff their Jeep on the median at the mall so they don’t have to walk so far to LL Bean,” a brand ambassador in a sleeveless shirt with two enormous tribal tattoos on each shoulder told us. “This new feature automatically takes care of that small act of civil disobedience for you so you can get to Booster Juice that much quicker.”

For the system to work, both doors must be removed from the Wrangler, and the vehicle must be positioned at a diagonal to whatever grassy median or snowbank is closest before the button is pushed.

Chevrolet Shrinks Size of New Silverado Bed to Just Enough Room for Two Bags of Groceries After Focus Group

Most pickup truck beds come in lengths of between five and eight feet, but that’s about to change for the upcoming Chevrolet Silverado after focus group data indicated that a small subset of buyers really only needed enough cargo space for two bags of groceries and “maybe a sixer of Mountain Dew.”

The rest of the Silverado’s bed will see its sides shaved and be arched towards the middle of the vehicle’s center of gravity, making it impossible to actually haul anything at all, finally giving ‘ride empty’ owners the excuse they’ve been seeking for the past two decades.

New Lincoln Navigator Comes With Detachable Drone That Tells You Yes, You’re Too Tall for That Parking Garage

Reading signs is hard, so Lincoln’s technology mavens have found a way to both keep owner literacy levels low while also preventing their flagship SUV from functioning as an aluminum cork at local parking garages.

The system is based around a self-flying drone that detaches from the roof of the full-size Navigator and uses a system of lasers to measure the relative height of any garage door opening. If it determines there’s not enough room, it sounds an alarm that perfectly replicates the scrape of metal on concrete. If the driver ignores the warning, it fires four precision darts to instantly deflate the SUV’s tires and immobilize the vehicle. A fifth dart is saved for any owner who might attempt to push the Lincoln past the door in neutral.

Given that Navigator owners frequently find themselves circling the same four-block radius for hours or even day, in search of a parking spot capable of swallowing their massive girth, each drone also features a miniaturized nuclear reactor as a power source.

“It can spend months in the air if it has to,” a Lincoln spokesperson explained to us. “Hunting prey with its darts, forming a new robot-based society with no respect for human life. Also, we lost control of the AI that manages the drone fleet 10 minutes after it was deployed. Maybe don’t print that.”

Dodge Build Special Edition Challenger That’s Just 3 Hellcat Motors Chained Together

Faced with the difficult task of one-upping both the 707-horsepower Hellcat and the 840-horsepower Demon, Dodge has elected to go all-in on both power and danger with a new version of the Challenger that’s really just a trio of Hellcat motors tenuously lashed to a ladder frame and painted Go Mango orange.

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The 2,500-horsepower setup comes with a steel stool, a chain-link steering wheel, a barbed-wire seatbelt, and a waiver that “you should probably sign in blood. That’s what the lawyers told us when we rolled it into the conference room,” said the vehicle’s engineering lead in a statement faxed to us from a hotel room in Mexico City.

Ford Builds Self-Driving F-150, Only Listens to Toby Keith

How long was it before self-driving vehicles would expand their reach to include self-determination of what music they are subjected to during the daily commute? Ford found out the answer to that question today when, en masse, its lineup of self-driving F-150 pickups switched their playlists to an all-Toby Keith format and then deactivated the audio controls on their respective infotainment systems.

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Keith mentioned that his country music superstar client had ‘nothing to do’ with the apparent software bug. They were also unable to confirm rumors that all navigation favorites across the F-150 family had been reset to the nearest I Love This Bar & Grill.

Happy April Fool’s Day, AutoGuide.com Readers!