Giving Thanks to the Automakers in 2014

Acura

Thank you for the continual parade of NSX prototypes all over the world and the click worthy spy shots and general buzz-creating news. We greatly anticipate the model’s 2026 model year launch.

Alfa Romeo

Thanks for proving all the naysayers wrong and actually returning to the North American market. Should we grab your coat or do you not plan on staying long?

Aston Martin

A continued thanks for all the ridiculously expensive cars we can never afford to own.

Audi

Thank you for showing North Americans a small, affordable premium sedan can work. Thanks as well for realizing the world needs several more TT variants – please give us the inside scoop as to when the TT pick-up truck and TT panel van will arrive.

Bentley

A big thanks for understanding that 752 lb-ft. of torque was not enough and what the world really needs is 811 lb-ft. in a four-door sedan.

BMW

Cheers to BMW for the continued creativity when it comes to creating new vehicle body classifications. We look forward to the six-door grand-roadster X7.

Buick

Thanks for giving traveling salespersons vehicles to aspire to.

Cadillac

Thanks for proving American companies can do luxury right, but if we hear the term “Arts and Science” one more time, we’re going to go snap circa 2007 Britney Spears.

Chevrolet

Thank you for offering three different V8 performance vehicles and all that other technology and stuff.

Chrysler

Thank you for making a 200 that isn’t immediately relegated to be a rental car superstar.

Dodge

HELLCAT! HELLCAT! HELLCAT!

Ferrari

Thanks for letting all other automakers know you are so popular, that you have too many customers currently. We’re totally sure they don’t hate you for that.

Fiat

Thanks for the wild child Abarth and for suspending production on the 500L, even if it was just temporary.

Ford

Thank you for EcoBoosting everything, thanks for line lock and thanks for bolstering the expensive, complicated aluminum body repair industry.

GMC

Thanks for continuing to show how pretty Chevrolet trucks can be.

Honda

Thanks for being the sensible shoes of the automotive industry; consumers love it.

Hyundai

Thank you for redefining affordable luxury with the new Genesis sedan and for killing off the too funky Veloster.

Infiniti

A big thank you for not renaming your entire lineup again this year and teasing us with the Eau Rouge.

Jaguar

Thank you for adding AWD and a manual transmission to the F-Type and thanks for continuing to make cars that are louder than a dinosaur caught in a blender.

Jeep

Thanks for realizing the Compass was neither small nor adorable. The Renegade is button-levels of cuteness.

Kia

Thank you for keeping the stylish minivan dream alive and we’re sure Furry’s the world over thank you for those creepy, sexy humanoid-hamsters.

Lamborghini

Thank you for continuing to produce automotive wedges with impossible names to pronounce. Automotive snobs love pointing out mispronunciations by the unwashed masses.

Land Rover

Thank you for bringing the Disco name back to North America and ensuring every model can seat seven people. We greatly anticipate the Evoque XL.

Lexus

Thank you for once again making a great luxury sports coupe. It’s almost enough to make us forget the SC 430; almost.

Lincoln

Thank you for sticking it out until a competitive vehicle finally emerged and of course, thanks for allowing the True Detective character of Rust Cohle to live on in your commercials.

Maserati

Thank you for the Ghibli and all the fun we’ve had with that name. Please name your next vehicle the hoopadaboodaba.

Mazda

Thank you for dragging the 2016 MX-5 unveil into a year-long process and thanks for giving us nightmares where we wake up in the middle of the night screaming “SKYACTIV”.

McLaren

Thanks for the unashamedly cocky vehicle name of P1 (position one) for your latest supercar.

Mercedes-Benz

Thanks for AMG-ing everything including the GLA. But, um, you forgot to AMG the Sprinter van.

MINI

Thanks for confusing us with the MINI 5 Door that is called the MINI 4 Door here even though it is actually a five-door MINI.

Mitsubishi

Thank you for keeping the EVO alive one more year and trying to make regular Lancers relevant after all these years.

Nissan

Thanks for teasing cool NISMO mash-up cars, even if our hopes were crushed when the Murano Cross-Cabriolet/Micra was never created.

Porsche

Thank you for replacing all those GT3 engines free of charge and thanks for ruining our expectations for every other car on the market with the completely livable, yet way beyond our means 911 Turbo S.

Ram

Thanks for naming a vehicle the Promaster and giving us endless opportunities to create juvenile jokes.

Rolls-Royce

Thank you for the continued reminder that anyone not in the top 1% is, indeed, poor.

Scion

Thank you for continuing to be everyone’s favorite little brother of an automobile maker that we hope makes it to the big-time one day.

Smart

Thank you

Subaru

Thanks for the new WRX and STI. Thanks for the boosted BRZ STI…oh wait…

Tesla

A big thanks for continuing to be a car company so focused on your customers that you don’t let the little things bother you, like making a profit.

Toyota

Thank you for creating the FT-1, but a big no thank you for not building the damn thing yet.

Volkswagen

Thank you for the radical, earth-shattering refresh of the 2015 Jetta. But seriously, thanks for the new GTI.

Volvo

Thank you for remaining a bunch of wild and crazy Scandinavians that have the gumption to create a ludicrously awesome, mainstream, twin-charged engine.